The Partners in the Sleigh
by Mr. Chaos
Summary: When Booth and Bones find a sleigh with 8 reindeer on a roof, they think it's joke. When Parker convinces them to put on Santa and Mrs. Claus' clothing and get in the sleigh, they humored him. But when they begin changing... A Mr. C Christmas story
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Yes, it is a Christmas story just a few days after Halloween. But I had to...the freaking story is 16 chapters long, so even posting two a week, I will just manage to meet the Christmas deadline!

Also, I am still working on my alt. reality Bones story. The second draft of my novel, "The Barefoot Witch" has been eating up alot of my time.

And finally, the standard warning: I do not own Bones, 'The Santa Clause', or any of the probably 50 pop culture references I will make.

Buckle in kids, we are in for a wild ride. Remember to review!

* * *

_"You better watch out, you better not cry-"_

Temperance glared at her radio, flicking it to another station.

_"Up on the house top-"_

Click.

_"Rudolph the Red Nose-"_

Click.

_"-is All Things Considered, on NPR. We are talking with Kevin Allen, the writer of "The Barefoot Witch," the newest novel in the Thomas and West Series. Thank you for joining us."_

_"T-"_

**CLICK!**

Temperance turned the radio off in disgust, deciding to focus on the roads. Old Man Winter (who did not actually exist, but was simply a personification used by people so they would have a being to blame for the weather since they no longer had elemental deities to fill the role) had decided to make D.C. "his bitch", as Hodgins would say. What the weather forecasters had thought would be a simple snow shower that would give them a fine powder had transformed in a Deathstorm that had dumped 2 feet of snow and shut down the nation's capital.

It also had ruined Temperance's day.

First, Cam had called her and informed her that she shouldn't bother coming to work, as the Jeffersonian was shutting down early to avoid a snow-in. Thus, the British field worker from the 1500s she had been examining would have to wait till after her trip to Indonesia, where she planned to look at the recent finds that suggested that early man had developed the use of stones as sexual objects earlier than thought.

_Ho ho ho_

Second, said trip was now canceled, as the airports were completely shut down, leaving Temperance stuck spending Christmas at her apartment.

Third, the power had gone out in DC, and within 2 hours her apartment had dropped to 60 degrees with the mercury dropping lower every passing second. Thus, she was left sitting in the dark remembering frozen mummies she had examined and wondering who would be the one to look at her body when it was finally found a 100 years later.

_'As you can see, this is a female, from the early 21st century. The lack of jewelry on her hand proves that she was not married. While now we understand how smart this would be, a marriage was simply an outdated ritual, it also explains why she died alone, as it is clear that despite her being above average in almost all aspects, she did not have anyone to check in on her to see if she had become a frozen corpse. Now then, let us move on...'_

Fate, however, had been kind to her, as Booth had called her up and invited her over, to spend Christmas warm, at least, and not as a frozen Temperance-Mummy.

The only problem was, they weren't spending it at his apartment. No, Rebecca had earlier that week been forced to fly out to her folks, her father in the hospital after suffering a small heart attack. Booth had promised to take Parker, and to keep things simple, had decided to simply stay at Rebecca's place. Which turned out to be a great idea, since her place still had power.

3 hours into what should have been a 20 minute drive, Temperance finally pulled up to the small house, the bay window revealing the large artificial tree all dressed up and Parker sitting there, waiting for her to arrive. She had barely managed to open her door before Booth came trouncing through the snow, grabbing her hastily packed suitcase and garbage bag full of presents. Booth gave her a look, wanting so desperately to comment on her choice of gift hauling gear, but decided instead to simply make his way through the snow drifts and into the house.

"Hey Bones!" Parker said happily, rushing up to her as she shed her coat. "Its snowing out!"

"Yes, it is." Temperance said, always amused and only slightly annoyed at the way children could state the obvious. Moving aside to allow Booth to get out of the cold, Temperance allowed Parker to lead her into the living room. She smiled as she looked at the pure slice of Americana, right down to the stockings that said Rebecca, Seeley, Parker and..."Booth? Is that your sock?"

Booth poked his head into the room, blushing as he watched Temperance tug on the white gym sock he had tacked up to the chimney, her name written on it with black marker. "Yeah...Parker didn't want you to miss out, so..."

Letting the comment taper off, Booth returned to getting her things settled and placing the gifts she had brought (most of them from students looking to earn brownie points, along with a couple from the squint squad and a handful from friends within the writing and/or science community) while she sat with Parker and listened to him happily talk about the Christmas party he had gone to.

"So, I guess I'll be sleeping out here?" Temperance asked, nodding towards the pillows and blankets set up by the doorway.

Booth shook his head. "You'll be sleeping in Parker's room, at least tonight. I've got Rebecca's room and Parker here is going to be on Santa Watch."

"Santa Watch?" Temperance asked.

Parker nodded happily. "Of course! If you can catch Santa putting your presents under the tree, you get to ask him one question, and he has to answer!"

Temperance frowned. Booth must have seen her gearing up to give a "There is no Santa Speech" and glared at her, his eyes pleading that she just shut her trap. Temperance's jaw snapped closed, allowing Parker to continue on, describing all the things he wanted to ask Santa. Finally, Booth had convinced his son to go and fetch everyone some cookies and milk, giving the adults time to talk.

"Ok, I know you want to rain on his little parade...its your thing."

"It is not my thing!" Temperance protested.

"Sure it is. You are all about raining on parades. You are Hurricane Temperance." Booth shook his head. "Listen, just don't give him a lecture ok? Let him be a kid, alright?"

Temperance frowned. "It is natural for adults to lie to children, to protect them from hard truths. But Santa is not something that needs to be lied about."

"Santa isn't a lie!"

Temperance frowned. "You don't actually believe in Santa, right?"

"Of course not...I just believe in the spirit of him."

"There are no such things as spirits either."

Booth wagged his finger. "You say that, and then the next thing you know you have the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future riding your butt."

Temperance rolled her eyes. "That would never happen, Booth." She was about to say more, but at that moment Parker bounded in, bringing in their treats. The unlikely group sat by the tree and watched Charlie Brown wonder about Christmas, all thoughts of Santa leaving their heads.


	2. Chapter 2

_'Twas 3am on Christmas_  
_And it was quiet as a mouse_  
_And not a creature was stirring_  
_Not even Dr. Gregory House_  
_Temperance was nestledasleep in Parker's warm bed_  
_When the sound of hooves played...over her head?_

Temperance blinked, staring lazily at the ceiling, wondering if she had truly heard what she thought she had. She was about to fall back asleep when she picked up yet against the tell-tale sounds of - something - stomping on the roof overhead.

Grabbing her robe and slippers, Temperance eased her way out of her room and made her way to where Booth was sleeping, mumbling something about Whoopi Goldberg and the Juggernaut. "Booth!" She hissed. "Booth!"

Booth slowly opened his eyes. "I've had dreams start like this."

Temperance merely stared at him. "There is something on the roof," she whispered.

"What?"

"Listen!" Booth strained his ears, and after a moment he heard...something...as well. Before she could fully understand what was going on, Booth was throwing on his own bathrobe and unlocking his suitcase to retrieve his gun and badge.

"Bones, stay here, ok?" Temperance shook her head. "Fine, but stay near the door, in case Parker wakes up." Slipping into the hallway, Booth shuddered as his bare feet hit the cold snow, sharp eyes scanning all around for the intruder...

He blinked.

Temperance, who had not followed his orders and was standing beside him, did as well.

"Hey!" He called out, startling the two figures that had been standing next to the chimney. The man, dressed in a Santa suit, let out a yelp. The woman, dressed as, of all things, Mrs. Claus, reached out to grab his hand, only to slip as well. The two slid off the roof, and with a sickening thud, crashed to the ground below.

Temperance's jaw was hanging open. "Booth..."

"Bones...go check their pulse, ok?" He holstered his gun, watching as Temperance slowly made her way over to the bodies. Temperance looked at the forms with a critical eye, careful to make sure the figures weren't playing possum.

They looked...peaceful. hands still clasped together, joined even in death. Temperance leaned down, pressing a finger to each of their throats, before giving Booth a negative on either of them.

"Dad?" Parker asked, rubbing his eyes and trudging out the door, his winter jacket wrapped around him snugly. "What's going on?"

Temperance turned, and as she did so she heard two young, youthful voices, one male and one female, whisper on the wind "Good luck! Have fun!" She played it all up to her being sleepy.

"Don't worry about it, big guy, just go back inside."

Parker's eyes widened in shock. "Is that Santa!" He rushed towards where the bodies lay, Temperance trying to stop him... "Oh...it's just his clothes."

Temperance looked down, then back at Booth. "Where are the bodies?" she asked. Where, one minute ago, there had been the bodies of two older looking people, there were instead just their clothing: Two pairs of red pants, boots, gloves, jackets, and hats, each one tailor fit for a heavy man and a slightly plump woman.

Booth rubbed the back of his head. "I have no idea." He slowly looked up. "Uh...Bones...things just got worse."

Temperance followed his gaze, and for the second time that night felt her jaw drop. They had been so concerned about the two people on the roof that they had totally missed what was right next to the chimney.

A sleigh.

And eight tiny reindeer.

"Oh...my...God." Booth whispered.

"You did kill Santa!" Parker wailed.

"Those reindeer are risking the structural integrity of the house." It was the only thing she could think of to say.

Booth glared at Temperance. "We have bigger problems than that. And I did not kill Santa!" He began to gather up the clothing. "Probably just slipped out of them...we have two old naked people running around."

"Besides, since Santa doesn't exist, your father couldn't kill them."

"Bones!" Booth snapped.

Parker shook his head. "Santa is real! That's his jacket! And that's Mrs. Santa's jacket too! You killed them both!"

Booth sighed. "Buddy, trust me...this is all a practical joke or...something."

"Then why are there reindeer?" Parker asked.

"Someone must have put them on there. As a prank," Temperance ventured. "How they got them up there-"

"Maybe they used the ladder."

"What-" Booth turned, only to slam into a ladder he knew wasn't there before. "What the hell?"

Parker laughed. "You just swore, dad."

"Yeah, I do that when I smack myself with a ladder." He examined the strange golden and red...thing...that had just appeared, reading a plate that was on one step. "And there...rose such a clatter?"

Temperance frowned. "That is a strange thing to put on a ladder."

"I know it is, Bones." Booth frowned, tugging at the ladder. "Alright, you guys stay here." Hefting the clothing over his shoulder, Booth made his way up the ladder, surprised to find how sturdy it was. In no time he was on the roof, slowly making his way towards the rather calm reindeer.

"How did they get up here?" Temperance asked, peeking over his shoulder.

"AAAHH!" Booth screamed, nearly tumbling back down to the ground. "Bones, I thought I told you to stay on the ground!"

"Well, someone had to make sure you didn't kill yourself."

"Yeah, dad!" Parker said.

Temperance frowned. "I thought I told you not to come up here."

"Well, someone had to make sure you didn't kill yourself." Parker pointed out.

Temperance and Booth stared at each other for a moment before turning back towards the reindeer. "Ok, lets take this nice and slow. Bones, you and Parker check the sleigh, and for God's sake, be careful!"

"I have climbed the Himalayas to identify frozen remains Booth, I think I can manage."

Booth rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well our two naked burglars probably thought the same thing." He tossed Temperance Mrs. Claus's clothing before making his way towards the reindeer. "Hey, these things are alive!" He called out when one bellowed at him.

"You're sure?" Temperance asked.

Booth looked at his bare foot, wiping it against the snow to remove the reindeer's 'Christmas surprise.' "Yeah, I'm sure." Booth patted the reindeer on the head. "Thanks, Blitzen."

The reindeer bellowed in anger, and Booth got the distinct impression the reindeer was saying "Hey!"

Booth looked at the bridled the beast wore. "My mistake...Comet." Making his way back to Parker and Temperance, who had settled themselves quite nicely in the sleigh. Taking a seat, Booth looked up at the sky, letting out a long breath. "Ok...I don't know who did this, but my current theory is Hodgins."

"Why would Hodgins put reindeer on the roof?"

"I don't know...I'd blame Sweets but he wouldn't have the money to put these things up here."

"Santa put them up here, dad!" Parker exclaimed, playing with the reins.

Booth sighed, grabbing the reins. "Trust me buddy, Santa did !"

The reindeer bellowed, leaping into the air and pulling the sleigh, and its unwilling riders, into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

_Silent Night_  
_Holy Night_

"THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE!"

_All is Calm_  
_All Is Bright_

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!"

_Round-_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Temperance and Booth sat frozen in the sleigh, eyes wide, pupils dilated and knuckles white from where they had been grabbing any handhold they could find. Parker was bouncing in his seat, giddy.

"That was so cool, dad!" Parker screamed with glee. "Let's do it again."

"That...that did not happen." Temperance mumbled.

Booth trembled. "Oh my God."

"That...that did not happen."

"Dad, can we do that again?"

Booth looked at his son. "Parker, let daddy finish wetting himself, ok champ?"

"...Ok."

"That...that did not happen."

"Bones, stop saying that."

"That..."

"BONES!"

The reindeer bellowed in frustration.

Booth glared at them, glad to have something to take his anger out on. "What are you so mad about, huh?"

"They want you to do Santa's job, since you killed him."

"I didn't kill Santa!" Booth complained, turning back to the reindeer. "Right?" He blinked. "I'm arguing with reindeer."

"That...that did not happen." Temperance mumbled. "In order to fly, maximum lift can only be..."

Booth chose to ignore Temperance at that point and focus on the here and now. "Ok...we are no where near the house. Hey Comet, can we go back to Rebbecca's house?"

The reindeer all stomped their feet.

"You have to deliver the presents, dad." Parker stated.

"What?"

"The presents." he pointed at the bag filled with looked at his son, an eyebrow raised, and Parker merely sighed. "Come on, dad. You have to be Santa!"

"I won't be Santa, I will be the strange guy in his underwear with reindeer crap on his foot trudging around in their living room."

Parker grinned. "You could wear the suit."

"The suit...the suit the dead guy was wearing?"

That snapped Temperance out of it. "Booth, you can't wear evidence. We need to have Hodgins look for insects and-"

"Bones...we just flew...in a sleigh. I think we are beyond squint powers." Booth sighed, holding out his hand. "Give me the pants."

"YAY!" Parker cried out.

Temperance shook her head. "Booth...you can't honestly believe any of this."

"I don't know what to believe. This is all so crazy...so maybe it is time to try some crazy." Booth grimaced as he slipped on the baggy red pants. "Hope this guy doesn't have an STD."

"What's an STD?"

"It stands for a sexually transmitted disease-"

"Bones...don't tell him what an STD is." Booth pulled on the boots, before ditching his robe and slipping on the jacket. "Ok, how do I look?"

"Like you are wearing an oversized Santa suit you got from a corpse." Temperance commented.

"You look great dad!" Parker said, handing his father the hat. Booth pulled it on, giving his son a cheesy smile, before he grabbed the toy bag, preparing to give it a hard tug.

However, the moment his hand touched the rope, Booth found himself being lifted up, dangling in the air before the bag lowered his towards the chimney.

"Oh, I should have cut down on the Mac and Cheese." Booth muttered, sinking down into the chimney.

Temperance stared at where Booth had gone.

"You aren't going to freak out again, right?" Parker asked.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Seeley Booth had been in war, had been through FBI training, had survived kidnappings, torture and nearly being blown up. He'd even survived working with the squints.

But this was the most hair-raising thing he'd ever done.

Booth slowly tiptoed around the tree, setting presents down wherever he thought they might look good. He practically cried for joy when he laid the last one down.

"Agent Booth?"

Booth looked up, freezing at the sight of his boss' boss standing there in gray pjs, looking at him.

"Is that you, Agent Booth?" Director Hacker asked.

"...no." Booth said finally. "This is a dream. You are dreaming."

"I am?"

"why else would I be here?" Booth asked.

"...good point."

Booth nodded. "This is a dream...about how you find your job unfulfilled. How you long to be...a delivering man in Cleveland. Or a Call Center Rep in India. Or Batman. Take your pick. Now...I need to go now...bye."

Hacker waved. "Bye." Once Booth was gone, Hacker rubbed his chin. "Be Batman...I am the night...hmmm..."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Great job dad!" Parker said as Booth returned up the chimney.

"Thanks buddy. Let's just...Bones, what are you wearing?"

Temperance was decked out in Mrs. Claus' pants, white fur jacket, boots and circle hat, looking decidedly less cold or insane. "I have decided this must be a dream, so I am going to go along with it. It is no different than when I thought I was Wonder Woman or a Manga character." Ok, only slightly less insane. She looked over herself. "Other than being designed for a woman of large size than myself, it is rather comfy."

"...ok, whatever Bones, great to see you in the spirit." Booth jumped into the sleigh. "Now, lets get the hell out of here, before we get arrested."

The reindeer took off, the sleigh flying fast...only to land at the house next door.

"This...is going to be a long night."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(New York)

Richard Castle stared out his window, head tilted as he watched Temperance Brennan fly by in a sleigh. He promptly decided the next morning to inform his mother she was never allowed to make Egg Nog again.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Camden County)

"And a toy robot for Randy...and a mustache comb for Earl..." Booth muttered.

"Hey Santa." Darnell Turner said, walking towards the bathroom.

"Hey Crab Man." Booth muttered, getting back to work.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Michigan)

"Start the sleigh, start the sleigh!" Booth shouted, jumping in as lights flicked on inside the country house. They just managed to make it before a man rushed out, a BB gun in his hand.

"Don, what's going on?" His wife called out, as his youngest son joined him out in the snow.

"Nothing Mary, go back to bed. Kurt, come on."

Kurt frowned. "Didn't that look like Kevin's friends?"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Somewhere over Japan)

"I think that's the last of them!" Booth said, watching the sun begin to rise. "Which means we can finally go home...thank God."

Temperance frowned. "This is one vivid dream, but the use of worm holes does explain how Santa could visit all those houses."

"All I know is I want to go to bed and not wake up till Arbor Day. Alright Comet and Cupid and all the rest...lets go home...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


	4. Chapter 4

"I SAID HOME, YOU FILTHY SACK OF CRAP!"

The reindeer snorted, unhooking themselves from the sleigh and happily trotting over a snow mound, leaving Booth, Temperance and Parker sitting in the sleigh in the middle of the North Pole.

"I meant my home! My home!"

"Don't you mean Rebecca's home?" Temperance reminded him.

"Thank you, Bones." Booth muttered sarcastically.

Temperance grinned. "You're welcome." She looked at the striped pole that stood before them. "I am amazed that my dream is so illogical. I know that the North Pole isn't a real pole, but magnetic north..."

Booth tuned her out as, at that moment, the very ground bellow them rumbled. He wrapped his arms around Temperance and Parker, ready to leap out of the sleigh in case this was some freaky polar earth quake...only to suddenly have his senses assaulted by all that is Christmas. The smell of gingerbread and frankincense. The twinkling of Christmas lights. And the happy singing of...elves.

Thousands of elves. All dressed in fancy clothing that had no nation of origin...and yet were of all nations.

All three of them sat wide-eyed as they were lowered into the biggest room they had ever seen. Temperance gazed at it and laughed...it looked like her lab, only designed for toys instead of dead bodies. Still...she could see the similarities, which to her only reinforced her thoughts that this was all a dream.

All the elves clapped as Booth, Temperance, and Parker stepped out of the sleigh, shuffling about and wondering what was about the happen next. Without warning, a tall, dark haired elf walked toward them and looked them over.

"How are ya Santa, Mrs. Claus?" He looked at Parker and grinned. "Hey, we have a little guy...been a while since we got a family here...well, before the transformation, I mean." He waved for them to follow him, Booth and Temperance utterly confused. "Listen, you guys did great out there tonight. A few bumps, but you'll have it sorted out next year."

Booth grabbed the elf by the shoulder. "Ok, hold on there just a moment."

The elf looked at Booth, then his shoulder. "You're more grabby than the last Santa."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Bernard." The elf looked down at Parker. "Nice to meet all of you."

"Nice to meet you too."

Booth frowned. "Parker, don't make friends with the elf, not until I understand his game."

Bernard sighed. "First off, may I say thank you for not asking about my height? The last 4 Santas all did that, and it really was annoying. Thank God for "The Lord of the Rings," huh? Really opened the door for tall, hot elves."

"Hmmrpphh!" A short, stereotypical elf grunted as he walked by.

"Anyway, I am the head elf. I run the floor for you. I'm like a second in command. Well, third, after you and the missus."

Temperance frowned. "I'm afraid you are mistaken...we aren't married. I'm not his mother" She placed a hand on Parker's shoulder. "Not...not that I wouldn't want to be...it's just..."

"Nice save, Bones."

Bernard frowned, however. "Uh...you are actually wrong on several counts there, Mrs...?"

"Temperance, Dr. Temperance Brennan."

"Ah, my mistake." Bernard said with a smirk. "Dr. Claus."

Temperance shook her head. "No, it's Brennan. I just said that. You heard me say that, right Booth?"

"Bones, something tells me this guy isn't playing with a full deck."

Bernard sighed. "Let me guess...you failed to read the card."

"The card...what card?" Booth asked, only for Bernard to reach into his pocket. "WHOA! I don't swing that way, elf boy!" Bernard pulled out a small business card, giving Booth a sour look. "Oh."

"Booth, you hurt his feelings." Temperance leaned forward, smiling. "I already told him that men should embrace their homeosexual brothers, as it eliminates competition for mates."

Bernard frowned. "Yeah, I'll be sure to tell my wife and 1500 children that. Now then..." He placed the card in front of a large magnifying glass, carefully reading what it said in tiny, tiny print. "This card states that any two people, chosen by the bearers of this card at the time of their release from contract, who have taken to wearing the clothing of the previous holders of said clothing and card, take on the mantle, name, duty and responsibilities of the wearers before them, hereby refered to as Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus. Also noted that the new holders of this mantle are bound for all time to one another, as selected, and any property and holdings become theirs jointly. Should any children be born before the passing of the mantle unto the new barriers, they shall be seen, in the eyes of all, as the children of these two and gain all the rights, powers and benefits that will be blessed upon any children to arise after the gaining of the mantle. At that time when the holders of this card are unable to fulfill their duties, they shall pass their mantles to the most worthy of beings and be rewarded with their freedom to dwell with their families as immortals for all time."

Booth, Temperance, and Parker blinked, utterly confused.

"I have a very high IQ level and I did not understand that."

Bernard sighed. "Ok, here it is in simple terms. You put on the suits...the jackets, the pants, the boots...you could only do that if you were worthy of them. Did either of you hear voices on the wind?"

Booth shook his head...only to stare as Temperance slowly raised her hand.

"Just as I thought."

Booth held up his hand. "Wait...what does this all mean?"

"It means that you are now Santa, Agent Booth. And you are Mrs. Claus...Dr. Claus, sorry." Bernard shrugged. "It also means you are married, Congrats."

The elves began to cheer, throwing rice in the air.

"Wait...wait!" Temperance cried out, panicking. "I can't be married...I don't believe in marriage! Marriage is just a ritual to help people believe what they are feeling is eternal."

Booth frowned. "Wait, what's the problem with me? I'm not man enough to be your husband?"

Bernard ignored Booth. "Well, now you are eternal, Dr. Claus, so don't worry." Bernard said. "This guy too. Congrats again, you're a mommy!"

"Cool!" Parker said. "I get two moms, and one's Mrs. Claus! And I'm immortal!"

Temperance however was shaking her head, waving her hands around. "No no no! I...I am not married...I am no one's mother...I am not Mrs. Claus...no no no no no no no..."

"Bones...Bones, calm down..." Booth said, trying not to panic himself. And failing.

Bernard sighed. "Here, drink this." he handed each of them an egg nog.

"This is suppose to calm us down?" Booth asked, eyes wide with fear.

Bernard shrugged. "No, it just makes it so you don't notice Teddy injecting you with a sedative."

"Huh?" Booth and Temperance said, before falling to the ground, out cold. Teddy whistled, walking away.

Bernard looked at Parker. "Hey...want to see how we make super balls?"

"Do I!" Parker exclaimed, following after Bernard as the newest Mr. and Mrs. Claus were gathered up by the elves and taken to their bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Temperance murmured, a happy smile on her face as she felt the smooth tongue run along her skin. "Mmm, that's right Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade..."

Mr. Giraffe stopped licking her neck, however, and instead moved away from her slightly. "Bones?"

"Booth?" Temperance questioned, turning to face him. The partners stared at each other...before leaping out of bed. "What are you doing in here!"

"Me? You were supposed to stay in Parker's room. Does this look like Parker's room?" Booth cried out, clutching the blanket to his chest like a 1950s starlet.

"Clearly not, as it was decorated to suit the needs of a female over the age of 25."

"...Really Bones? Really?" Booth asked, clearly annoyed.

Temperance merely glared at Booth, in no mood to banter with him. "I have no idea why I am in here, Booth. Last I remember..." She frowned. The last she remembered was elves and a toy workshop and reindeer... "was going to bed last night. However, I would imagine you had something to do with it-"

"Bones?"

"-but from your reaction it is clear that you did not. However, I do not understand why we have to react like this is such a big deal-"

"Uh, Bones?"

"-we are two mature adults, who have both found themselves in the beds of others, so this is little more than-"

"Bones?" Booth asked, looking her up and down.

Temperance frowned. "Booth, are you checking me out?"

"No...just wondering when you got new pajamas."

"New..." Temperance froze as she looked at herself. Instead of the simple tank top and pj bottoms she had gone to bed in, she was wearing luxurious silk pajamas, the color of red crushed velvet and trimmed with white. Upon the left breast, in beautiful stylizied script, were the letters S.C.

Booth looked her up and down. "Very Christmasy, Bones...I approve."

"You should...you have your own pair."

"What?" Booth asked, looking down, only to let out a yelp when he discovered that he was wearing a matching set of the pajamas. "How...why...?"

"That's was my thought!" Temperance exclaimed.

Booth looked at her. "What do you really remember...honestly?"

"I remember going to bed, Booth. That is all. Nothing involving elves or toys or reindeer."

"Then why would you bring it up?" he asked suspiciously.

Temperance glared at him. "Its obvious that...we..."

"What? Sleepwalked to Macy's, stole two sets of pajamas and went to bed together?"

Temperance frowned. "That is silly! We must have simply forgotten that we owned these."

"Bones...be rational!" Booth complained.

"I am always rational. In fact, you hate that about me!"

"Among other things.." Booth muttered.

"Dad!" Parker screamed happily, stopping the argument from continuing. "Dad, come on, its Christmas!" He rushed in, thankfully dressed in his normal pajamas, jumping on the bed before tugging on Booth's arm. "Dad!" He laughed, before grabbing Temperance's hand. "Come on, mom, it's Christmas."

"MOM!" Booth and Temperance screeched.

"Yeah...that's what Bernard said, remember? You're my mom now." Parker gave them a grin before rushing to the living room, two panicking adults on his heels. "Cool! A Battle Blades Bumblebee!"

"Parker, what do you mean I'm your m...wait, a Battle Blades Bumblebee?" She sat down beside him, ogling the toy. "I have been looking for that for months! I was so jealous when Kevin and Richard found theirs..."

"Bones...can we ignore your Transformer fetish for five minutes?" Booth asked, snapping his fingers. "Parker, what do you mean Bones is your mom?"

"That's what Bernard said," Parker repeated. "You guys are my new mom and dad. Mom is still my mom, but Bones is like a second mom. A lot of kids in my school have them." He began to go for his next present, but Temperance stopped him. "Mom!"

Temperance tried not to tremble in terror at the way her heart clenched at those words. "Parker...what do you remember about last night?"

"Dad and you killed Santa, delivered presents, we went to the North Pole, and Bernard told you that you guys are the new Santa and Mrs. Claus." Parker paused. "And Teddy gave you a seda-give"

Booth and Temperance looked at each other, each refusing to voice the fact that they remembered the exact same events. The ringing of the doorbell cut through the tension, and Booth happily went to go answer it. "Listen buddy...first off, I did not kill Santa..."

"I would hope not," Cam said, entering the house.

"Dr. Saroyan," Temperance said, standing up quickly, realizing just how...domestic...the scene would appear. "What are you doing here?"

"The snow storm finally broke last night, and the plows are moving. Moving...and uncovering a skeleton in the middle of the highway. I know this is Christmas morning, but..."

Temperance nodded, praising all the non-existent gods that a murder had popped up to get her out of this awkward situation. "I will change right now. Parker, I am sorry that I-"

"Holy crap, you're married!" Cam exclaimed, pointing a shaking finger at Temperance's left hand, where the brilliant golden ring shone like a beacon in the early morning light.

"What? No, no we aren't married!" Booth shouted, waving his hands...before noticing his own ring and quickly lowered his hand. "Just...a joke!" He began to tug on the ring, only to find it stuck firmly. "A...a joke..." He turned to Temperance. "Bones...say something."

"There...there is a circular symbol of matrimony, made of 24 karat gold, wrapped around my 3rd phalange on my left hand."

"...Not helping Bones!" Booth exclaimed, trying to rip the ring off his finger.

"Are you wearing matching pajamas?" Cam asked, eyes wide.

Parker ran up to Cam, grinning. "Guess what? Bones is my new mom!"

BANG!

All three of them stared at the limp form of Dr. Saroyan, who had just decided to faint dead away onto the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: According to last nights episode...Temperance went swimming with Booth and Parker...and did a cannon ball?

Someone needs to write a fic about that, stat!

~MC~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Elves?" Dr. Lance Sweets said, leaning forward in his chair, giving the FBI agent and forensic anthropologist one of his calculating looks...or one of his constipated ones. It was hard to tell with Sweets. It was only 4 days after Christmas and even with New Year's racing towards them, they were in the middle of a case. Of course, they would be dealing with said case at that moment if it weren't for the fact that Cam had called up EVERYONE and exclaimed that Booth and Temperance were married.

Thus, the meeting with their shrink.

"We know how crazy it sounds, Sweets." Booth complained, leaning back against the sofa and staring at the ceiling. "We don't want you to explain that to us."

"Then what do you want me to say?" Sweets asked, steepling his fingers.

"We would like you to explain why we dreamed such things. Since both psychology and Santa Claus are lacking in hard science, I only assume you would be the best one to deal with such an issue." Temperance folded her hands on her lap, trying her best to hide her wedding ring. The stupid thing had refused to come off, even though it, for all intents and purposes, appeared to be the correct size and should slide right off. Booth had even tried to cut his off, only to discover that the metal refused to even scratch, let alone cut.

Sweets ignored Temperance's comment about his profession and instead looked at the marriage certificate that he had located that proclaimed that, yes, Temperance Brennan and Seeley Booth were married, the ceremony occurring Christmas morning at about 5 am, under a man named...Bernard.

"Ok...I do have a theory, actually." Sweets said, glancing at each of them. "We have talked about how there is a line that you two have set up, one you refuse to cross due to your own fears and abandonment issues." He held up his hand before either could argue. "You two are clearly in love with each other...you have built a relationship that mimicked a normal marriage in everything except stating the words and engaging in the physical actions.

"It is my belief that on Christmas morning, surrounded by all the signs of family and the happy home you two could make, you two crossed that line and, in an uncharacteristic move for both of you, got married. And when you awoke that morning, the reality of what you did crashed down on you two so hard that you repressed all memories of the wedding and instead created this dream about Santa and being forced to be married, to help give you a reason why you decided to cross the line."

Temperance frowned. "That makes no sense." She grew quiet. "But...I suppose..."

Booth, however, was focused on something else. "What about Parker? Why would he think all this stuff about me being Santa be real?"

Sweets shrugged, smiling slightly. "A young child, half asleep, it doesn't take alot of imagination to imagine that his excitement over Christmas, combined with the strange events caused him confusion. The three of you would begin working together, each of you adding to the story until you didn't realize that one part you had never thought of but only heard." Sweets began to rattle them off. "A wild car ride through the snow could be a sleigh ride. And with all the drifts and covered roads, Parker could have believed he was at the North Pole. Bernard the county clerk becomes Bernard the Elf...simple."

"Ok Sweets, keep it simple: Are we ok to go to work?"

Sweets nodded. "Of course. We will need to step up our sessions to try and get you to remember your wedding," Sweets couldn't believe he was actually saying that, "but otherwise, you should be fine."

Booth and Temperance leapt up, happy to get back to work. "Great, because we have the mother of the victim coming in to confirm the identity of the remains, so we need to focus on that!" Booth grabbed Temperance's hand, neither seeing Sweets' shocked look as Temperance, without thinking, rested her head on Booth's shoulder as the two left the office.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"How did it go with Sweets?" Cam asked as Booth and Temperance entered, trying to not stare at the way the partners were cuddling up to each other.

"Fine," Booth said, heading to the platform, where an older woman was leaning over the decomposing remains of their victim. "That the sister?"

"Yeah, Catherine Woodbridge. She confirmed the victim as her sister, Beth." Booth swiped his card, letting go of Temperance's hand as he made his way up to the body and the sobbing mother. "I'll have Dr. Hodgins look at-"

"You did it." Temperance blurted out, pointing at Catherine.

"What?" Catherine whispered.

"You killed your sister." Temperance stated.

Cam's eyes went wide. "Dr. Brennan..."

"You have been very naughty...I can see it."

Booth nodded, narrowing his eyes. "Not nice at all...Bones is right...very naughty."

"You were jealous of her...of what she had."

"Very greedy," Booth said, slowly circling. Both he and Temperance slammed their hands on the examining table, making everyone jump.

Cam could only stare in horror as the two began to gang up on the poor woman, detailing how she murderer her own sister. "Booth, Dr. Brennan, I think that's-"

"How...how did you know that?" Catherine whispered, her shoulders slumped in defeat. "How...how could you..."

"You admit it...you did kill her?" Temperance asked.

"...Yes." She broke down in tears.

Booth took out his hand cuffs. "That's enough for me. Catherine Woodbridge, you are under arrest for the murder of your sister Beth." He leaned in close to her ear. "And being a bad little girl that deserves no presents."

"Huh?" Catherine asked, now confused.

"So naughty." Temperance murmured, following after Booth.

Cam stood there dumb and deaf, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Hodgins walked up, carrying a tray with some particles they had found under the victim's nails.

"Hey, what happened here?" he asked.

"They solved the case," Cam whispered.

"Already?" Hodgins asked, clearly confused.

"Already. They just...knew."

Hodgins frowned. "Man...now what am I suppose to do all day?" Setting the tray down, Hodgins walked to the body, picking up a small round object left on the table where Booth and Temperance had slammed their hands down. "Hey Dr. Saroyan? Did you leave these here?"

"Leave what?"

Hodgins gave her a look. "It appears to be...lumps of coal."

"Coal?" Cam asked, picking up another one. "What the hell?"


	7. Chapter 7

Click.

"-doctors say that Mr. Beck will be allowed out of the asylum once he admits that there are no shadowy forces out to get him and he should just stop crying. In Entertainment news, looks like writer Kevin Allen is at it again-"

CLICK!

Booth hit the snooze alarm and curled up in his bed. The last few months had been both strange and boring at the exact same time. Boring, for the most part, because their cases had been on the duller side of dull. It wasn't uncommon for Director Cullen to tell Booth he simply didn't have anything for him, what with he and Bones solving cases within 3 days at most. That wasn't a bad thing, of course, but it made Booth worry about his job security. The criminals seem to be getting dumber; he was able to pick out a killer within moments of coming in contact with them.

Click.

"-Allen apologized to the Pope, but is refusing to return the hat. Hollywood is abuzz with the news that Andrew Hacker, former Deputy Director of the FBI, has been cast as Batman in a new TV pilot-"

Click.

It had been exciting because of the developments between him and Temperance. Oh, he had known the moment they had realized that they were married that she would not fall into his arms and demand kissies...but she also hadn't run for the hills screaming in terror like he had expected. Instead, Temperance had decided that they should attempt dating, actually allowing the two of them to try and get to know each other better.

It had been a thrilling, heartracing courtship...even if it was rather tame. Mostly Chinese takeout and the occasional documentary that Booth forced himself to watch (though it was funny to see Temperance mock the specials like it was Mystery Science Theater).

It wasn't what he had expected and so much more than he had ever hoped.

Click.

"-finally, author Richard Castle, creator of Nikki Heat, downplayed rumors of a crossover between his character and Kathy Reichs, the main character created by Dr. Temperance Brennan. Said Mr. Castle, "If someone else wants to write it, I will gladly read it." Moving to sports, the Detroit Red Wings scored a crushing victory over the Colorado Avalanche after the Avas left for the final period and allowed a group of five year olds to play in their place. The kid's coach, Stan Marsh, stated..."

Booth turned off the radio, groaning as he got up and trudged over to the bathroom, ready to finally wake up and enter the land of the living.

Rubbing his eyes, he turned towards the mirror...and screamed.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Temperance Brennan stared at the skull she had been cataloging and let out a long sigh. She knew it was important to get these World War I remains cataloged and try and give the skeletons a name and face, but her mind just wasn't into her work. And considering who she was, that was a shocker.

But, for the first time in her life...Temperance found bones...dreary.

"You ok, sweetie?" Angela asked, walking up to her and handing her some coffee. Since the whole 'wedding' thing, Angela had been drifting between pure giddy and mother hen. She had told Temperance how very happy she was that she and Booth had finally taken the plunge. But Angela had also expressed concern that such a drastic change had caused her friend to experience radical changes to her personality.

Temperance didn't have a clue what Angela was taking about. She was the same Dr. Temperance Brennan she had always been.

"Uh...Dr. Brennan?" Wendell said, looking up from the femur he was examining.

"Yes, Mr. Bray?"

"You're humming again."

"I was?" Temperance asked

Angela nodded and looked at her best friend. "Weeeellllll...you were humming...Jingle Bells."

"...Really?" Temperance asked.

"Yeah. Rather loudly, sweetie." Angela commented.

Temperance shook her head. "I think you must have been mistaken. Perhaps you were confusing it for a Peruvian Tribal Chant. I have heard that they sometimes sound like Happy Birthday."

"No, trust me, it was Jingle Bells."

Wendell nodded. "You were smiling while you did it, too." Wendell didn't say that Temperance never smiled, but the comment hung there all the same.

The anthropologist threw her hands in the air. "I can't work like this." She ripped off her gloves and stormed away. "I'm going to get something to eat."

Angela and Wendell shared a look as Hodgins walked up. "What was it this time? Frosty the Snowman?"

"Jingle Bells."

Hodgins shook his head. "What the heck is happening to Dr. B?"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Rebbecca sighed, shifting in her seat. She could just make out Parker sitting in the chair outside the principal's office, nursing a black eye.

He had gotten into another fight. It was the 3rd one in the last month, meaning that not only was she called in, but Seeley was as well.

And, of course, he was late.

Lately, Rebbecca had become concerned with Seeley. Ever since he had married his partner (on Christmas day, with Parker half asleep!) he had been growing more and more strange. At times he seemed to be hiding something from her, a secret he and Parker knew and would not share. Other times...other times he seemed to be overflowing with childish joy. She remembered walking in one weekend to pick up Parker to find her son, his father and Dr. Brennan surrounded by Transformers, waging an epic battle. Seeley and Brennan seemed more upset about ending the game than Parker did!

"Sorry, sorry!" Seeley said, opening the door and cutting off Rebbecca's thoughts.

She and the principal could only stare at him.

"Seeley...what happened?" Rebbecca stammered. She looked at his stomach. "My god!"

Booth looked down weakly at his round, pronounced belly that stretched out the sweatshirt he was wearing. "Allergic reaction. I think I have spiders or something in my apartment, woke up all swollen like this."

"Mr. Booth, perhaps we should reschedule and let you see a doctor..."

"Oh, I already did." Booth lied, waving his hands. "Doc said I would be just fine, given time." He moved to sit down, but Rebbecca put a hand out, stopping him.

"And...the beard?" She asked.

Booth gave her his best charming smile, tugging at the curly hair that covered his jaw. "I...decided on a new look."

"Seeley, that isn't possible...I saw you two days ago and you were clean shaven!"

Booth shrugged. "I, uh, have always been able to grow a beard this fast. Never liked the look before, so I never tried." He sat down, motioning for the principal to speak.

"Well...Parker was caught fighting again in school-"

"Something that is naughty." Booth stated.

"...Right." The principal said, moving on. "This time, just as the other two times, was spawned by another student picking on Parker."

"About what?" Rebbecca asked.

"Stories Parker has been telling...about Santa Claus."

Booth gulped.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Cam sniffed the air, a slow smile creeping over her lips. "What smells so good?"

Hodgins shrugged. If he were a cartoon character, the smell would have lifted him off his feet by now. "I have no idea, but I am going to find it."

"You guys smell that too?" Angela asked, joining the three as they made their way towards the cafeteria kitchen. "The chefs must have something special planned."

"Not the chefs." Hodgins said after a few moments, staring into the kitchen.

All around them were piles and piles of Christmas pastries. Sugar cookies coated with homemade frosting, ginger bread men that stood next to fully built houses, plum pies cooling on the counters, freshly dipped peppermint candies...all around them were tasty treats, just begging to be savored.

And moving about it all...was Temperance.

"Oh, hello everyone." Temperance said, dusting some of the flour from her hands. "Go ahead, try some...I made way too much..."

Cam just stared. "Dr. Brennan...how...how did you..."

"I just got hungry, decided to throw something together."

Angela frowned. "That was...20 minutes ago. You did this in twenty minutes?"

Temperance shook her head. "Of course not, Angela." She moved to grab a candy cane and gave it to her friend. "The first five minutes were spent getting the kitchen staff out of here."

Hodgins frowned. "Did you change your hair?"

Temperance looked at him, confused. "Of course not." She turned her back to them, Cam's eyes widening as she saw that, yes, Temperance's long locks were now much shorter and...and either Temperance had flour in her hair, or she was was going gray. A timer dinged near by. "Oh! That will be the ginger snaps!"

Cam, Hodgins, and Angela could only stare as Temperance began to hum "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and got more treats out.


	8. Chapter 8

It was the middle of summer, the sun was hot, school was out, and all across the country people were doing a dance called the Funky Grandpa.

It was also the day of the FBI's annual summer obstacle course run. Each agent would be trotted out to the training grounds to take their turn running the course, designed to test their speed, strength, endurance, and on the fly reasoning. It showed just who was top dog...and just who had let themselves go with the donuts in the breakroom.

And as Seeley Booth made his way to the starting line, everyone knew where all of those donuts had gone.

"This is going to end badly," Hodgins muttered. Temperance had convinced her team to come and cheer Booth on, pulling some strings to get them in. But as Hodgins, Sweets, Cam, and Angela stared at Booth, with his ,jiggling belly, long gray hair and beard and round chubby face, they were wishing they could just point to the old guy with the heart condition and claim they were there for him.

Temperance grinned as Booth stretched. "He is rather attractive, don't you think? The way his body is structured gives him a royal bearing."

"Like Jabba the Hutt," Hodgins muttered. Angela elbowed him in the ribs. Temperance wasn't paying attention, however, as she busy watching her partner (and husband, lest she forget!) finish his stretches.

"Be nice," Angela muttered, glancing at Temperance. Booth wasn't the only one who had changed since the wedding. While not as big, Temperance had gained some weight as well. At first, Angela had been jealous; Temperance's hips had flared out and breasts gained at least two cup sizes, making her very 'stacked'. But as the months had gone by and the squints had found Temperance spending more time in the kitchen than on the platform, the anthropologist's body had gone curvy to...well, not fat, but more on the light side of chubby. Angela's father would have called her a full figured gal, and then commented that she looked like all women should.

"Meat is for men, bones are for dogs, darlin'," He had once intoned.

Then there was the hair. Temperance's once long dark locks appeared to be frost covered and had been hacked short into what would have been a nice bob cut on a younger looking woman. Instead, it made Temperance look older...like a grandmother.

"Sweets, you are much to thin!" Temperance complained. "I can clearly see your 3rd and 4th ribs." She pulled out a baggy full of sugar cookies and gave him some. "I also brought some milk, if you'd like?"

Sweets merely waved his hands. "No, no...I'm good." Temperance turned away, allowing Sweets a moment to pull the others aside. "I see what you mean."

Hodgins nodded. "Seriously, we aren't the only ones seeing it?"

"Oh no, you are not." Since their marriage, Booth and Temperance had found ways to avoid their shrink, claiming they needed time to adjust to being 'a couple'. Sweets had fought it half-heartedly, but now, more than ever, he wished he had pushed the issue. "What does she say, when you press her about her...body changes?"

Angela frowned. "When I bring up the weight, she gives me some speech about the heaviness of a person signifying in ancient times their status and wealth. Then she shoves a candy cane in my mouth." Angela frowned, patting her stomach. "Which might explain why Brennan isn't the only one gaining weight." Cam and Hodgins looked away, both not wanting to admit that Temperance's baking skills had resulted in much needed diets.

Hell, against Temperance's cookies and candies, half of the scientists working at the Jeffersonian were now apply for The Biggest Loser.

"Are there any other changes in the two that you have noticed?" Sweets asked.

"Well..."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(last week)

Booth frowned. They were here to investigate a murder, trying to talk to a wealthy business man, and his 5 year old daughter just kept staring at him.

"Sweetie, can I do something for you?" Booth finally asked.

The little girl grinned, wiggling up onto his lap. "I'd like a dolly and a new party dress and a-"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Hodgins frowned. "And don't forget two days ago..."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Dr. B...why are there Christmas lights all over your office?"

"I think they help illuminate the workspace better and allow for a more easy working environment."

"And why are you playing Christmas Musak?"

"...Peruvian chants?"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Sweets was about to ask more when he heard a gasp from the crowd. He, along with Cam, Hodgins, and Angela, turned in time to see Booth spiriting across the course, his long legs eating up the distance. He was going harder and faster than any of them had ever seen and his movements, to their shock, were more graceful and agile than before his sudden 'transformation.'

"I don't believe it!" Hodgins exclaimed as Booth leapt onto a 7 foot wall and cleared it in less than a second. "This...this..."

"This isn't physically possible!" Cam shouted as Booth, catching Temperance's eyes, actually CARTWHEELED over the finish line, letting out a loud, bolsterous laugh. Temperance ran to him, giving him a big hug.

"You did quite well Booth. From what I was able to gather from the rest of those that competed, you have completed all the tasks at a faster pace than what is average."

"Thanks Bones...I think." Booth said, before leaning down and giving her a kiss, Temperance returning the smooch in a very out-of-character, un-Temperance way.

One of the newer agents walked by Angela, giving her a smile. "Your dad can sure move...I'd go that fast too, if I were married to your mom and got kisses like that!"

Angela blushed, too embarrassed to correct him.

As they watched Booth and Temperance celebrate, none of the squints noticed Sweets pull out his cellphone.

"Yes, its me...yes, I just saw them, and you are right to be concerned." He paused. "I will need to watch them for a while longer before I can determine if they are a danger to Parker...yes...yes...I will let you know, Rebbecca."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Author's Note: Yup, you just knew someone would screw things up! Don't worry, Sweets will get his just desserts (and knowing me, it will be hi-larious!)


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: And here we enter the 3rd act...alot of fun stuff happening now, and where the story takes a left turn compared to the movie.

~MC~MC~MC~

Summer had given way to Fall, Fall has given way to Early Winter, and Kevin Allen had yet to give away the Pope's hat.

Temperance Brennan was sitting in her lab, examining a human skull, when her phone began to ring, breaking her out of her daydreaming.

"We are in trouble."

Temperance blinked at the greeting. "What's wrong Booth?"

"Bones...I just got the list."

"I don't follow," Temperance said.

"Bones...the list. As in who has been naughty and who has been nice..."

The anthropologist frowned. "I don't understand."

"Santa...Claus'...list. Bernard sent it to me."

"Booth...Bernard was merely a creation of our dreams-"

Booth cut her off. "Bones, it was real." Before she could protest, Booth began to speak quickly. "Don't you get it? People don't gain 100 pounds and go gray over night! They don't suddenly know who was naughty or nice overnight!"

"Booth, are not making any sense-"

"I AM SANTA CLAUS!"

"...Booth, if you are going to suffer from a meltdown..."

"I am not having a meltdown. I am simply stating that I have magically become an immortal being that gives out presents even though we also know that parents buy presents."

Temperance frowned. "Booth...do you want me to come over and bake you some cookies?"

"No I...well...yes, yes I would. But-"

"But nothing, Booth. Just because we each have put on a few extra pounds and begun to show our ages doesn't mean something magical has happened. If you don't like it, then do something about it."

Booth remained silent for a moment. "Bones, I am asking you...as someone that loves you...to believe me when I tell you this...I am Santa."

"Booth...I... can't."

"Then I guess we have nothing else to say, do we?"

"Booth?"

CLICK

Temperance stared at the phone, not believing what had just happened, then looking down at the skull she had been fiddling with...and had apparently gift wrapped during the conversation.

"...logical reason for that too." She muttered.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Later that day...)

"Can you believe her Sweets?" Booth asked, waving his hands about in frustration. "She thinks I'm crazy!"

"Because you believe you are Santa Claus."

"Because I AM Santa Claus."

Sweets nodded. "Right...my mistake. Agent Booth-"

"Agent Santa." Booth fell back into his chair. "We might as well begin calling me that."

"Oooohhhh, I'd rather not..."

Booth cut his shrink off. "It's not like I chose this...its not my fault I happened to kill the last Santa."

"Of course not..." Sweets muttered.

"But you'd think she'd at least go along with this, for my sake. I go along with all her weird stuff like looking at skeletons and watching documentaries and calling her Elita-1 when we have sex."

"All rational...wait, what?"

"But does she listen Sweets? Nooooooo! If it doesn't fit in her little bubble, it must be wrong."

"Right, about that Elita-1 thing-"

"I just...I would be there for her, if she thought she was Mrs. Claus. Which she is. I mean, it's obvious."

"Right, right. Listen, Agent Booth, I think that you and I need to have a more intense discussion about this."

Booth frowned, stroking his beard. "I'm not sure if I'll have the time. I mean, I have the list and feeding the reindeer and renew the plates on the sleigh...I mean, this is my busy season."

"Of course...but I am afraid that I must insist." Sweets motioned for two more FBI agents to enter.

"Sweets, what is-" Booth didn't get to say another word before one of the silent agents knocked him out with the butt of his gun.

"WHOA!" Sweets shouted. "I never agreed to that."

"We took da liber-ty. A perk of da job."

Sweets shook his head. "I agreed to this under the condition that Agent Booth be treated with dignity and care. Now, failing that, I am afraid..."

The more violent of the agents pointed his gun at Sweets. "Doc...the FBI don't need an agent thinkin' he's Santie Claus. Don't need our shrinks mouthin' off, neither."

"It's...actually either...but neither works too..." Sweets held up his hands as the man approached him.

The violent men smirked. "Agent Santie Claus is makin' da FBI look bad...first Hacker quits ta be Batman, now dis? Cullen don't like that and asked us to...take care of dis. And you gonna go along, ok?"

"Uh...sure." Sweet shook his head, wondering when the FBI had begun hiring from New Jersey.

The quiet agent pulled out his phone as the violent one lugged Booth away, forcing Sweets to follow. "This is Agent Clark...we have Agent Booth...you are clear to go after Mrs. Dr. Booth."


	10. Chapter 10

"Booth has clearly lost it, hasn't he?" Temperance asked, tucked into her favorite booth at the Royal Diner.

Hodgins looked over at Angela, then back at Temperance as she ate her 5th helping of cheesecake. "Well, I wouldn't go that far, Dr. B..."

Temperance look at him, frowning. "Surely you don't believe Booth is now Santa Claus?"

"Oh...no no no no no...although..."

"What Dr. Hodgins is saying is that...maybe...you should consider the possiblity?" Cam offered.

"Why consider something that isn't possible?" Temperance asked, taking a moment to dab her mouth with a napkin...then tossing it aside when she had folded it into an origami reindeer.

Hodgins frowned. "Well, they didn't use to say that there were only carbon based lifeforms, and now they found arsenic based ones. They were thought to be impossible."

"That is true, but there is a difference between single cell creatures and a mystical man that gives toys out like this." Temperance held out a teddy bear.

"Where did you get that?" Cam asked.

"...I...don't...know."

Angela took the bear, setting it aside. "Sweetie, let me try. What is the single most important rule in science."

"Do we mean actual rules or theories that can be considered rules due to the overwhelming-"

"The correct answer, Brennan, is that one can not prove a negative."

"That is correct, in theory, but-"

"So lets true doing the opposite. Lets listen the evidence that Booth is Santa."

Temperance frowned. "I don't know..."

"Exhibit A: Booth's weight gain."

"As men get older-"

Angela held up her hand. "They don't gain that quickly, and if they do they can't move as fast as Booth can."

"Well, I have put on a few pounds myself-"

"Exhibit B: The white hair and beard."

"Again, with age. And the stress of the job...my own hair-"

"Exhibit C: Booth's ability to tell who has been naughty or nice."

Temperance glanced at the chef. "He's cheating on his wife. Very naughty."

Angela nodded. "Quite. And then there is Booth's magical ability to make...well..." She wiggled the bear at her friend. "You add it together, it comes up with Booth being Santa."

Temperance shook her head. "I assure you, he isn't. And if he was, I would know, as that would make me..."

"Mrs. Claus," Cam stated. "Which you are."

"I'm not."

Hodgins nodded. "Yeah...you are. You're Mrs. C, Mrs. C."

Temperance stared at her friends, her trip to the lovely river known as De-Nile being cutting short. She would have said something, had they not been interupted by Daisy Wick, shoving her way into the booth.

"Oh my god...oh my god...oh my god!"

"Miss Wick...breath," Cam commanded. "What's going on?"

"It's just...it's just terrible!"

Hodgins' frowned. "What, did Kevin steal the Shroud of Turin to go with his pope hat?"

"Worse!" Daisy whimpered. "My Lancealot is being held prisoner by the FBI!"

"What?" The group shouted.

Daisy nodded. "It's managed to send a text to me! Him and Agent Booth are being held captive by the FBI! They think Booth's nuts and are going to ship him to the funny farm!"

"They can't do that!" Cam snapped.

"Especially since there is no such thing as the funny farm..." Temperance murmured.

Angela looked up, eyes wide. "Uh, guys...I think they did...and I think we are next." She nodded towards the two suits that had just entered the diner.

"What do we do?"

Hodgins looked at the women. "There is a back entrance through the kitchen. Go and don't look back." he stood up, rolling his shoulders. "I'll hold them off." He kissed Angela before she could protest. "Go...get Mrs. Claus out of here."

"I'm not Mrs. Claus!" Temperance protested as the women pushed her towards the back.

Hodgins glared at the two agents, making his way towards them. The violent one merely looked at him, annoyed. "Ya mind movin'?"

"Why should i?"

"'cause I'm da FBI and wants ya to move?"

"And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers!" The agents stared, confused by Hodgins' sudden outburst. "By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."

The violent agent frowned. "Ya some frenchie guy or something?"

"No, I am an American! What are you?"

"I tolds ya, I'm the F-B-I!"

An old woman who was sitting at the counter decided to join the conversation. "Well I didn't vote for you"

The violent agent glared at her. "You don't vote for agents."

"Exactly!" Hodgins shouted. "exactly! You are an Imperialist dog!"

The agents, obviously not fans of Monty Python, grabbed Hodgins. "Ok, times ta go!"

Hodgins' laughed like a madman. "Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"Idiot!"

"Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me?" He turned to the old woman at the counter as he was dragged away. "You saw him, Didn't you?" Hodgins began to sing at the top of his lungs. "Oh I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Look at them all standing in a bunch! Big ones! small ones! Some the size of your head!"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Meanwhile, at the home of Parker Booth...)

Parker glanced around the corner, making sure his mom wasn't looking, before dialing the 1-800 number.

"Santa Claus hotline." A bored woman stated after the second ring. "This is Judy."

"Judy, we are in trouble!"

"Listen, if you would like to talk to Santa, please stay on the line. If you would like to talk to Mrs. Claus..."

"Judy, this is Parker."

"Hello Parker, have you been a-"

"Parker Booth...as in Parker CLAUS!"

Judy's voice instantly changed from bored to that of concerned elf. "Parker? What's wrong?"

"I...I think something happened to my dad...I need to talk to Bernard!"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Several hours later...)

"Where are we going to go?" Angela asked as Cam throttled the car down the interstate. They'd long left Virgina and were heading north.

Daisy panted. "Oh God...we are fugitives...and Lance is being tortured...and not in a good way with the 6 inch heels and the push up that makes my breasts-"

"Daisy...TMI!" Angela cried.

Temperance just sat in the front seat, shaken. "We have to help Booth!"

"And we will...but we need to hide...to regroup. We need to go to the one place no one would think to look for us." Cam gave them a dark smile. "And I know just where."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(Rochester, Michigan)

Temperance, Cam, Angela and Daisy all stared as the apartment door opened.

"I'm not giving back the hat," Kevin Allen said, clad in just a pair of jeans, a silk bathrobe and the pope's hat.


	11. Chapter 11

(Christmas Eve Eve)

"So...that means I really am the pope?"

Cam, Angela and Daisy stared at Kevin as he sat in his recliner, the pope's hat still perched on his head. In the background they could hear Temperance moving about the kitchen, doing some stress-relieving baking.

"How...do you figure that?" Angela finally asked.

"I put on the hat, that makes me the pope. She put on the coat, she's Mrs. Claus. Makes sense."

Cam shook her head. "Yeah, I don't think it works that way."

"Because I'm not Mrs. Claus." Temperance stuck her head around into the living room. "Cookie?"

"Yes, thank you," Kevin said.

Angela frowned. "Yes, sweetie, you are."

"Just like I'm the pope," Kevin stated.

Daisy grabbed Kevin's hand. "Can you command Opus Dai's albino assassins to free my Lancealot?" Everyone just stared at her. "Well...they did it in The Da Vinci Code."

"This isn't fiction, Daisy, this is real life. Where Temperance Brennan is Mrs. Claus, Booth is Santa and Angela is able to make complex computers when she is basically a glorified sketch artist." Cam stated.

"Right...hey!" Angela shouted.

"Ladies, I insist if you fight you be naked. That's the rule." Kevin walked over to his computer. "I could put on some music if that would work?"

"Do you have a death wish, blonde boy?" Angela asked.

Kevin was about the answer when there was a knock on the door.

"You guys...?" When the women all shook their heads, Kevin went and pulled down a short sword decorating his wall. "Mrs. Claus, in the bathroom."

"I am not-"

"Yeah yeah yeah." Kevin complained.

"You really think a dull sword will help?" Angela hissed.

"My shotgun's at my parents house, so this is the best we got." Grabbing a letter opener and stricking in his waistband, Kevin nodded for the women to stay back. When he was sure Temperance was inside (and the cookies wouldn't burn), Kevin opened the door...

...and was nearly bowled over by a strange man.

"Where's Mrs. Claus?" He demanded, looking at the three women.

Angela stood up, defiant. "I'm Mrs. Claus!" She told the strange man.

"No, I'm Mrs. Claus!" Cam added.

"No, I'm the real Mrs. Claus!" Daisy shouted.

"And I'm her friend the Pope!" Kevin proclaimed, still brandishing his sword.

The elf frowned. "You three are not Mrs. Claus." He knelt in from of Kevin. "Your Holiness."

"Mom?" Parker called out, shutting the door behind him. The call tugged at Temperance, forcing her to open the door.

"Parker...Bernard?" Temperance's eyes went wide. "You're...here."

"Of course I'm here! Parker told me something bad happened to Santa."

"But...but..." Temperance began to feel faint. "That...that wasn't real...it..."

Bernard frowned, turning to Cam. "Did she and Santa deny what happened?"

"Yeah."

"Big time," Angela added.

"I told you I was the Pope!" Kevin said, gloating.

Bernard groaned. "And I bet they began to act strangely, huh?" When they nodded, Bernard walked up to Temperance...and slapped her. "Get a grip! You are Mrs. Claus...your hubby is Santa! Parker is your son! You denying it caused the magic to go into overdrive to prove it...that's why you look like this!"

Angela frowned. "Wait...this isn't how Mrs. Claus is suppose to look?"

"Well...she does look like that...but only on Christmas Eve to Christmas morning. The rest of the year her and the hubby look normal. They also have alot better control of their powers!"

Temperance blinked. "You mean...this isn't stress eating?"

"Of course not!" Bernard complained. "Look at Parker! He accepted this, so he looks normal and has access to all his powers. That's how he knew Santa was in danger. The same for Pope Kevin."

"Ok, so aside from me being right...you mean Santa Booth really is in danger?" Kevin asked.

"Not just him...Christmas is in danger. Without Santa...no Christmas." Bernard held up his hand when Kevin coughed. "Fine, the religious Christmas is still around. But the Santa Christmas is doomed."

"We have to free my dad," Parker pleaded.

"He's being held with my Lancealot at FBI headquarters."

Bernard frowned. "The Knights of the Round Table are involved?"

"Along with Hodgins, I would imagine." Angela stated, ignoring the confused elf.

Cam turned to Temperance. "Dr. Brennan...what do you want to do?"

Temperance looked at each of them, before nodding her head. "We save my husband...we save Booth...we save Santa." lights twirled around her, replacing her normal clothing with the long white coat with red trim and white cap. "And the name is Mrs. Claus."

Bernard nodded. "Alright...so we have 3 women, an elf, the Pope, Mrs. Claus and her son...let's do this."

"To the Popemobile!" Kevin proclaimed.

"I actually brought something better." Moving towards the window, Bernard pulled back the blinds...to reveal a grand red sleigh and 8 primed and ready reindeer.

Angela just shook her head. "And I thought my life couldn't get stranger..."


	12. Chapter 12

(Christmas Eve Eve)

"...I'm just saying, in a straight, head-to-head fight, Grimlock would be the winner."

"But that would never happen, Kevin. Starscream would never let that happen."

"That isn't the argument, Temperance! The argument is who would win."

"And it would be Starscream because he'd never let the fight happen."

Angela looked at Bernard. "Is it too late to ask for ball gags for Christmas?"

Bernard smirked. "You think this is bad, the last Mrs. Claus we had was a Twilight fan."

Angela shuddered.

"We're here." Cam said, looking a little ill as Bernard set the sleigh down in the parking lot of the Hoover Building. "If they have Booth and Sweets, they'll be here. They wouldn't risk moving them...might cause a disturbance."

Daisy looked at the building, forlorned. "Oh, my poor, poor Lancealot! Stuck in there, at the mercy of their whips and chains and shackles...I bet they don't even know his safe word."

Parker frowned. "What's a safe word?"

Kevin rubbed his chin. "When two people love each other very much and want to hurt each other to make sex more exciting-"

"That's...enough." Angela said, motioning for the writer to shut the hell up.

"So, Mrs. C...any idea on how we get in there and free the big guy?" Bernard asked.

Cam was also thinking about this. "Yeah...I can't imagine they will simply let us walk in."

Temperance smiled. "I have an idea."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

(6 minutes later)

Parker banged against the front door, eyes wide. "Help! Help!" The guard at the front desk, concerned at the sight of the tear-stained child, rushed forward, Parker looking over his shoulder. "Don't let him get me!"

"Who?"

With that, Kevin emerged from behind a car, dressed still in just his pope hat, jeans and bathrobe. "Hey, where'd you go? I just found the special wine!"

"Please, help me!" Parker screamed, the guard opening the door...only to get knocked out cold with one punch from Temperance. "Wow, one punch!"

"That was so racist, me having to play the pedophile!" Kevin complained, tugging his shirt back on.

"Suck it up, your Holiness." Cam ushered them inside. "Ok, if I remember my tech specs right, they probably have Booth, Sweets and Hodgins towards the top floor." The group made their way towards the elevator.

"You know, this sounds like a bad joke," Angela stated. "The Pope, Mrs. Claus and an elf enter the FBI building-"

~MC~MC~MC~

"You just had to push it, didn't you?" Hodgins complained.

"I've already apologized 15 times!" Sweets shouted. "How many more times must I say it/'

Hodgins glared at him. "ALOT MORE!"

"Would you too play nice?" Booth asked.

"Yeah Sweets...don't make Santa angry." Hodgins leaned against the wall of their cell, staring at the ceiling. "So, if you are Santa...why not use your magic to get us out of here?"

"I've tried," Booth muttered. "Not working. You don't exactly get an instruction manual when you magically become Santa Claus."

"That's because you aren't Santa...you are delusional."

Booth and Hodgins looked at each other. "Hey Booth...I vote we make Sweets our prison bitch."

"Second. All opposed?"

Sweets weakly raised his hand.

~MC~MC~MC~

Cam held out her hand. "Wait...there is another guard around the corner."

Kevin frowned. "I'm not hitting on Parker again."

Bernard shook his head. "I think this needs a softer touch."

Kevin glanced at Bernard...then removed his shirt. "Ok, but I don't want anyone watching."

"He meant me, kid." Angela said, undoing a few buttons.

"...sure I did."

Angela stepped around the corner, giving the agent her best sexy smile. "Hi there, big boy...someone order a Christmas present?" The man, being a red blooded American male, instantly lost all ability to focus and walked towards Angela, drooling, only to get knocked out for his trouble.

Cam sighed. "Effective, though you did set back the women's movement 50 years."

"Meh." Angela commented.

"Come on...I think we are close." Temperance stated, heading down the hallway, stepping over the knocked out guard. "Very good use of your breasts as a distraction technique, Angela."

"I aim to please."

Daisy frowned, pointing to a control panel on one doorway. "What's that?"

"Security. Allows you to lock down doorways. Don't touch it, or else the cells will be sealed off." Cam opened the door, motioning for the others to follow.

Down the hall, the elevator dinged.

"Uh, mom..." Parker whispered, "...I think we have company."

~MC~MC~MC~

The quiet agent who had grabbed Booth and Sweets looked at them and Hodgins from outside the cells. "I am going to ask you this again, Agent Booth...what is your name."

"Santa Claus."

"no...your name."

"Kris Kringle."

"Name."

"Papa Noel."

"Name!"

"Super Merry Gift Giving Old Man?"

The agent glared at him.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Freeze!" The agent shouted, drawing his gun.

"MOVE!" Cam shouted, the gang going through the door as the agent fired...

...and shot the pope's hat.

Kevin slowly turned, stared at his wounded hat.

"Kid!" Angela shouted.

Kevin dropped to his knees. "Pope's hat...by Grabthar's hammer...you shall be avenged." He rose, opening his bathrobe and pulling out the dull shortsword. He reached over to a janitor's cart and grabbed a mop handle, holding it out. "I got this."

"Moves it, little man!" The agent snapped, towering over the 6 foot 1 writer.

"No. You aren't getting through." He pointed the mop handle at the agent.

"Who the hells do ya think you are?"

"I am the keeper of the Catholic Church. I am the weilder of this cheap sword I bought online. I am the holder of Christmas spirit and you will not make me move!" He glared at the agent. "Go back to the Jersey Shore."

"...what?"

"YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!" He twirled the mop handle, slamming into the security lock. Alarms rang and the others watched as a large metal security door began to slide over the glass door."Run you fools!" Kevin shouted, the last thing any of them saw was him rushing towards the agent, sword raised high. "FOR THE HAT!"

"...what a strange, sad man," Daisy stated.

~MC~MC~MC~

Hodgins looked up as the alarms began to ring. "What the heck is going on?"

Booth smirked as the quiet agent began to get on his phone. "Things aren't going as planned, are they?"

"Quiet." The quiet agent began to press in numbers, getting no response. "Someone, report! Someone...what is happening?"

"A prison break." Temperance said, kicking the man in the balls. "Bernard, tie him up...he has been very naughty." She paused, a wide smile breaking out over her face. "BOOTH!"

"Bones!" Cam swung the door of the makeshift cell open, Booth rushing out and hugging Temperance, giving her a soul-crushing kiss. Angela did the same for Hodgins, murmuring about him doing something so stupid, while Daisy leapt onto Sweets and began practically dry humping him.

Bernard looked at Cam, smiling.

"Don't even think about it, elf boy."

"Booth...I'm sorry. You were right."

"No, I'm sorry I let this-"

"Booth...you are Santa...and I am our Mrs. Claus." Temperance placed a hand on his cheek. "And I am sorry I ever doubted you." She reached out, bringing Parker close, the three of them sharing a hug.

"I hate to break this up but we need to get going now!" Cam said. "We aren't out of the woods yet. We still have a building full of FBI agents wanting to throw you two in jail and us along with you."

Bernard nodded. "And you need to get to the North Pole to get ready for Christmas Eve."

Booth nodded, grabbing the fallen quiet agent's id card. "Alright, let's go."

"I still can't believe you are all buying into this...did you even hire some poor guy to dress up like a gay elf?" Sweets asked.

Bernard frowned. "Wait...why do you think I am gay?"

"Sweets, we can still leave you in that cell..." Booth reminded him.

"...lead the way, Booth."

~MC~MC~MC~

"I don't like this...its too quiet."

Temperance agreed with Hodgins' comment. They had not run into a single agent on their way down, the only sounds they heard were the wail of alarm sirens.

"Let's just hope they are dealing with bigger things," Booth, said, opening the door to the ground floor level...

...and finding Kevin there, holding his bleeding side, sword stained red.

"Kevin...what..."

"I fell...through fire and water...from the lowest dungeon to the tallest peak...but I smote that agent's ruining form." He sheathed his sword and gently lifted up his shot hat. "We were both wounded."

"...ok, I don't even want to know what is going on here." Booth motioned for the group to continue on. "Alright, just need to make a break for the lobby-"

The door to the lobby opened, revealing every agent in the building, their guns trained at all of them.

"I don't think i can fight all of them." Kevin moaned, still clutching his side where the violent agent had gotten his lucky shot.

Bernard tapped Booth on the shoulder. "May I, Santa?"

Booth stared at Bernard, scoffing. "Be my guest."

Bernard calming stepped forward...and pulled out a grenade. "You even try and shoot us and you end up itty bitty FBI agent chunks!"

"Where did he get a grenade?" Angela shouted.

"Guess Dick Cheney was a good boy this year," Cam muttered.

Temperance frowned. "I don't know who that is."

"That's right...move aside..." Bernard said, leading the gang through the now nervous bunch of FBI agents. "Even one of us gets shot and I blow us all up."

"Somebody do something!" A panicking agent cried.

"Oh Lord, bless this, thy holy hand grenade..." Hodgins muttered.

Bernard motioned for the gang to head outside. "Thank you...Merry Christmas." And with that, he threw the grenade and ran. "MOVE!"

Behind them, the lobby of the Hoover Building exploded...in Candy Cane goo.

"Blitzen, stare the reindeer, get the sleigh up!" Parker cried out,

"Holy shit, they have a sleigh!" Sweets shouted as they all jumped in.

He promptly passed out when it began to fly.

"Where too now, Santa?" Cam asked. "We got one wounded."

"Two!" Kevin moaned, jabbing at his hat.

"...right."

"To the North Pole, Cam...where else?" Booth took the reigns, letting out one last Ho Ho Ho! before rocketing into the night.


	13. Chapter 13

  
"Move, move you cheering idiots!" Bernard shouted, leaping out of the sleigh before the riendeer had a chance to get all of their hooves on the ground. "We only have a few hours and the big man and the Mrs. aren't even ready! We have presents to get loaded and a sleigh to prep..."

"Don't worry about the bleeding man," Angela snarked, pressing a rag to Kevin's bleeding hand.

"Kevin...that's what they called me...Kevin the Gray," The wounded author/possible mental patient mumbled.

"No one called you that," Hodgins stated.

"I am now Pope Kevin the White."

"Ignore him, he's suffering from bloodloss." Temperance stepped out of the sleigh with Booth's help.

"Dr. Brennan, I think the last thing we should do is ignore an injured man."

"Kevin the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Kevin slurred, eyes drifting shut.

"...on second thought..."

Daisy nodded her head. "I will personally help Kevin in any way I can."

Kevin's eyes shot open. "Oh God, don't let her cut me open!" He began to scramble out of the sleigh, only to howl in agony, clutching his side. "I'll learn to live with another hole in me, I swear!"

"Don't worry, I'll have the doctors take care of him. Eagleeye, Snapper, get him into surgery." Bernard motioned for two elves to tend to Kevin.

"Well certainly, Bernard!" Eagleeye said sarcastically, forcing Kevin onto a stretcher. "Congrats, you are our 1 millionth customer. You win an all expenses paid trip to OR."

Bernard ignored the rest, walking with Booth and Temperance. "Now then, we don't have alot of time to help you get ready for your trip, so we are going to have to do this on the fly. Don't worry, though, most of this should come naturally."

Booth nodded. "Right, just get me in the suit and lets get in the sleigh."

Temperance nodded. "The more rapidly Booth succeeds in making the deliveries, the longer the two of us have in our normal forms."

"That's right...wait, what?"

Temperance smiled, a twinkle in her eye. "I'll explain later."

~MC~MC~MC~

(Christmas Eve)

"On Dasher, on Dancer!" Booth called out, decked out in fully Santa gear, Temperance by his side.

~MC~MC~MC~

"On Prancer, and Vixen!" Daisy exclaimed excitedly, watching as the sleigh prepped for flight.

"I still can't believe he's Santa." Sweets mumbled. "What's next, I find out I'm the tooth fairy?"

At that moment, a snowman turned to Sweets. "Sir, I know the Tooth Fairy. i worked with the Tooth Fairy. You are no Tooth Fairy!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"On Comet, On Cupid!"

"You know Jack...when I wanted Brennan and Booth to get together...this is not how I expected it."

Hodgins smirked at Angela. "I did, but I'm a little screwed up in the head."

"A little?"

~MC~MC~MC~

"On Donner and Blitzen!"

"On Blood bag and IV!" Snapper snarked, working on Kevin as other elves moved about. "Hot Lips, I need some more gauze!"

~MC~MC~MC~

(Somewhere in New York)

Booth smirked at he placed a gift under Richard Castle's tree, Martha Rodgers, convinced she was drunk and imagining him, rattling on.

"I swear, that boy should just blow Becket and get it over with!" She slurred.

Booth merely laughed and made his way back to the sleigh.

~MC~MC~MC~

(Miami)

"Are you sure this is right?" Booth asked.

Temperance nodded. "Mojitos for Sam, C4 for Fiona and a year supply of yogurt for Michael."

"I hate Miami."

~MC~MC~MC~

(Hollywood)

"I need more coal!" Booth shouted, shoving more into Mel Gibson's stocking.

"We used most of it up on Charlie Sheen." Temperance said. "Not that I know who that is..."

~MC~MC~MC~

And so the night went. Around the world, Temperance and Booth delivered gifts to all the good little girls and boys, until at last they finished, and made their way home...

"Yo Kringles, what's up?"

"Hey Kwanza-bot!" Booth called out, waving to the robot in the rocket powered canoe.

~MC~MC~MC~

(The North Pole...Christmas Afternoon)

After celebrating with the elves on a job well done, Temperance and Booth stood together in their new bedroom, watching as the sun began to set.

"Now...time to show you your surprise." Temperance stepped away...and Booth's jaw dropped as the years and pounds faded away, revealing Temperance's original form. He felt himself returning to his fangirl-heart-melting self, and with a saucy grin made his way towards his wife.

Except...

"Mr. and Mrs. C?" Hodgins said, knocking on the door.

"A little busy here!" Booth snapped.

"It's Kevin."

The partners looked at Hodgins as he delivered the bad news.

~MC~MC~MC~

Temperance and Booth held each other as they watched the funeral pyre being made. The cold winds of the North Pole whipped around them, but while the others needs to bundle up, they did not feel even the slightest bit cold.

"We did everything we could...but..." Bernard began.

Temperance shook her head. "This is what Kevin wanted." She looked at the timbers...

...and the pope's hat that sat there.

Kevin emerged from the crowd, dressed all in black, a burning torch in hand. He silently lit the pyre on fire, the night sky filling with the flames.

"Of all the hats I ever knew...he was the most...human."

A Soctish elf began to play "Amazing Grace."

~MC~MC~MC~

(The Day After Christmas)

And that, dear reader, is how Temperance and Booth became Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus. Oh, they continued to solve murders, just not during the month of December. They, along with Parker, and the many children they would soon have, would spend many years bringing joy to children, till at last they passed the mantle to a new couple and retired to spend the end of time together.

But...before all that...there is one more tale to tell...of the ceremony Booth and Brennan held to thank their friends for saving Christmas...

~MC~MC~MC~

Angela tugged at the jacket she was wearing. It was bright yellow and something she would never be caught dead wearing of her own fear will. "You are sure this is the only jacket they had?"

Hodgins nodded. "Of course."

She, Hodgins, Cam, and Kevin all stood behind closed doors, waiting for the music to start to cue the beginning of the awards ceremony.

"And the only clothing they had for you was a Han Solo costume?"

"...yup." Hodgins said, tugging on his vest.

Cam and Angela exchanged a look...as the doors opened to the workshop's main hall, revealing all the elves waiting for them...and the Rebel Ceremony theme playing.

"Really, guys...really?" Cam asked, elbowing Kevin as they headed down the walkway.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Kevin roared, clutching his wounded side. The elves all turned as one, and the foursome continued on down where Booth and Temperance were waiting. The music continued to play as Booth and Temperance gave each one of their friends a medal.

"Kevin...we decided on something better." Booth smirked as he held out a brand new pope hat, freshly stolen from the Vatican.

Booth held Temperance close as the elves cheered. "And they heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight..." She murmured.

"Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night."

~MC~MC~MC~

Now, I bet you are wondering where all these Star Wars parodies are coming from. Well...

~MC~MC~MC~

From Mr. Chaos, creator of the ABCverse and author of "The Greatest Story Finally Told" and "Elsewhere"...

A Long Time Ago...  
In a Medical Lab Far, Far Away...

Cam: A young scientist name Max Keenan, who was a pupil of mine before he turned to crime, helped the government hunt down and kill the Jeffersonian Scientists. He Betrayed and murdered your father, Temperance. Max was seduced by the Dark Side of Science.

(We see Cam dressed in brown and white robes, a lightsaber in her hands...as Max, dressed in Darth Vader's armor, approaches)

Max: I've been waiting for you Cam. When we last saw each other I was only a student...but now...I am the master.

(We see Temperance as the controls of a gun, firing at Tie Fighters)

Temperance; Their velocity is making them simply too difficult to strike with a single shot...

Booth (also at a gun): Just say you can't hit them!

(We see A golden, robotic Zach Addy walking with R2-D2...except R2 has Hodgins' hair and beard)

Zach: You do realize we are doomed.

Hodgins: We aren't, because I have a plan. And that makes me king of the spaceship!

Comes the craziest crossover ever

(Booth glares at Russ, who, much to Russ' misery, is dressed like Princess Leia)

Booth: You have alot of nerve, Princess.

Russ; STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Bones Wars: A New Hope

Cam: Science will be with you...always.

Temperance:...that makes no logical sense.

Cam:Just go with it, will you?

Coming Jan 2011

(We see Temperance and Booth, dressed as Luke and Han, standing in front of Mr. Chaos' desk)

Temperance: You won't be inserting yourself in this one, will you?

(We pan around to find Chaos wearing Boba Fett's helmet.)

Chaos:...uh...no?

May the Farce be With You  



End file.
